Fuck You Early Mornings

Have I mentioned yet that I hate mornings? Well then, I will do it right now...I FUCKING HATE MORNINGS!! Well, I don't hate all mornings the ones that start between 10:00 AM and Noon; they are fine with me. It is the evil mornings that I hate. The ones that begin when it is still dark out, and no one in their right mind would be up, unless they had not yet gone to sleep. These despicable mornings begin when even the cat is not ready to get out of bed. They are the ones that I fear in the same way that a child would fear the Boogieman or the Monster Under the Bed. The thought of them makes me shake, gives me anxiety, and makes me lay awake the night before counting the hours I have to sleep before the terrible, horrible early morning arrives.

Let's talk about that little phenomenon, shall we? Isn't it wonderful knowing that you have something important or necessary that you have to do early in the morning (when you want to be sleeping anyway) and the night before every possible thing that could keep you from sleeping does just that? No it isn't. All of a sudden you brain has decided to rage war on your ability to sleep. You begin to create a grocery list, that song that you have always hated keeps playing its most irritating lines over and over like a vinyl with a scratch*, every time you get comfortable the cat is uncomfortable and you begin that fun battle for bed space and enough blanket to cover you ass so that you don't get frost bite, or (my personal favorite) every rouge feather in you pillow decides to make its way the fabric's surface and poke you in the face. So you wiggle around and you toss and turn and you stare at the clock counting down the hours you have to sleep. All the while, you are becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated by the minute. If you are like me you are not delusional. You know just exactly how ornery you are on a regular morning, and even though it is 3:46 AM and you only have 2 hours and 23 minutes to sleep you feel bad for any of the idiots that are bound to cross your path tomorrow.

The Where-The-Hell-Are-You-Going? Face

Eventually, it happens. The alarm clock goes off blaring in you ear, but at this point you are too drunk with exhaustion to find it with any type of speed and accuracy. If you are like me you are likely to hit the top of the lamp, knock a book and a glass of water onto the floor, and upsetting the cat who at this point is more irritated with you insolence than anything else. So you crawl out of bed, meander into the shower, and get dressed. Your shoes find their way on your feet, and much to your surprise you are ready to get out the door on time. Bonus!! 

But we all know that the people that will pass by you during the day will notice that you had forgot to brush your hair and the bags on under your eyes would never be considered a carry-on. It will feel as if no amount of coffee is going to correct what has gone so sorely wrong...that is until about 10:00 that night when you are contemplating going to bed, but you are more interested in the idea of mowing the house and painting the lawn, because your body is now on caffeine overload. Two hours later you finally make it to bed after you have done more Jumping Jacks and arm raises in that time then you have done in ten years only to lay down, look at the clock, and realize you have exactly 7 hours and 28 minutes to sleep before you have to get up in the morning. "Damn it!! 8-6-7-5-3-oh-niiieeeiioon, 8-6-7-5-3-oh-niiieeeiioon, apples, Worcestershire sauce, string cheese...fuck."

 
* For all of you youngsters out there: A vinyl is short for "vinyl record." A vinyl record was a large, black disc (for lack of a better term) that spun on something called a turntable (Google it. I don't have time to explain everything to you), and the turntable was wired into speakers. The needle on the turntable than played the music that was "encrypted" on the "disc". They are very cool and once upon a time they were the only way to buy music. Think giant black CD, and if you can't remember when music was strictly on CD...then go read something else this blog is not for you.