So I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes companies think that everything needs to be pumpkin flavored, scented or colored. Now I realize that I am one of very few people that DOES NOT like pumpkin anything...yes, even pumpkin pie. No, I don't need you to convince me that I am wrong by telling me that you or your mother or your grandmother makes the best pumpkin pie that will change my mind forever. No it wont, and I am okay with that. However, I can not imagine that many of these pumpkin products are worth it. Let's talk about a few of these shall we...1. Pumpkin pie flavored yogurt: I love yogurt, and I am generally up for trying any flavor at least once, but this is where I draw the line. There is no way that I am going to put "thick and creamy" burnt orange colored yogurt in my mouth and be happy. I am pretty sure that while drinking I have expelled things that look more appetizing than that, if you know what I mean. I can't help but wonder how hard it would be to swallow this cinnamon-y concoction when I know full well that pumpkin is generally grainy and that can not be a texture that goes well with the tang of yogurt. Thanks, but no thanks.
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2. Harvest pumpkin body spray and lotion: Seriously? So there is one time a year that a woman will not get angry for being compared to a pumpkin? Any other time of year if you even mentioned to a woman that she was pumpkin shaped or smelled like a pumpkin* she would swat you in your face, but we seem to be okay to smell like pumpkin spiced and flavored goodies once a year. What about the rest of the year? The couple of months that it is going to be okay to smell like Thanksgiving dinner (I imagine that is what you smell like when you combine the pumpkin pie spice smell with the chicken soup smell of B.O) is going to be short lived...and what the hell are you supposed to do with the other two-thirds of a bottle of delightfully fragrance-d goop? By the time that is acceptable to sport this fall flavoring next year the lotion will have separated or crusted into that delightful lotion clump that we all so love. At that point you may as well slather yourself with real pumpkin because that is about how silky smooth it is going to be.3. Who was the asshole that was sitting around with only a bottle of beer and a can of pumpkin and thought, "I think that I will pour these in a blender and create a new beer"? Boooooo! Beer is not meant to taste like spiced pumpkin anything. It is meant to taste like beer. Period! This is not the Fourteenth Century, we do not need to make mead in order to keep for being poisoned by our water. We no longer use beer and alcohol as a means for daily drinking. Basically, what I'm getting at is this: Unless you have tainted water, beer should not be made out of pumpkins.
4. Pumpkin coffee. Let me slow that down for you (and yes I realize that the tainting of beer with pumpkins ranks higher on my list of offences than coffee) Pum...pkin...co..ff..ee. YUCK!! While it may be great to sip a cup of coffee while enjoying your favorite pumpkin confection (if that is your thing) it is not okay to add the two together and declare it an annual seasonal treat. I can't help but think that all of this pumpkin crap is just a ploy to keep warehouses from housing an over abundance of unneeded pumpkins. Besides, just because they sell something in this vain of foods and drinks at every overpriced coffee conglomerate and fast food feed store doesn't mean that you have to consume it. If you have ever bought a salad shaker from one of these places you know that just because it looks good in the commercial doesn't mean that it is good in real life.
5. Last, and certainly not least (I could go on all day), is something that I never in my life thought that I would see. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? This is one of those things that you can not un-see... Edible Pumpkin Spice Massage Oil. No, this is not for scenting your body. No, this is not for making your skin healthy. Yes, it is for what you think that it is made for. No, I am not making this up. Yes, you can order it online. No, there is nothing about the "massage" process that I would enjoy being pumpkin spice flavored or scented. P.S. If I am not willing to eat pumpkin spiced anything with a fork I am not licking it off anything or anyone either. I can just hear somebody saying, "Come on baby, lets get our pumpkin on..." Ugghhhh!! Sorry, I just grossed myself out a little. Gag. Just sayin'.*Have you ever smelled the inside of a pumpkin while you are carving it. That is certainly nothing that I wish to be compared to, and if you can't figure out why take a whiff next time you are creating a ghoulish jack-o-lantern out of triangles and circles.
**Okay, I probably won't be eating yogurt and drinking beer at the same time...but you get where I'm going with this.
