There are very few holidays that I truly love. Halloween is one of them. I like that everyone drops the constraints of their mundane lives and celebrates the cobwebs in the hidden corners of the living room, and it becomes socially acceptable to eat copious amounts of candy. Now those of you that know me know that I eat my body weight in candy with or without there being a holiday to warrant it. But there is nothing like Halloween candy: it is bite sized, individually wrapped, brightly colored, eye-ball shaped wonderfulness.The best part of Halloween and all of the holiday-specific candy glory is the week that comes after, Half-Price Halloween Candy Week. This would be the time in which all of the black and orange wrapped candy becomes discounted by at least 50% to make way for Christmas candy. Pfft! Christmas candy...the painted whore of candy.
Unfortunately, there is an occurrence that can hinder the wonderfulness that is Half-Price Halloween Candy Week. That my friends is PMS. PMS is evil. Yes, men I said it, and don't let your woman convince you that PMS is no big deal or that she doesn't have it. Often the woman in a new relationship will say that she doesn't get PMS and just doesn't understand what the big deal is. Let me tell you something: she knows, and if she thinks she needs to cover it up by telling you that it is illusive and she doesn't get it, run for your life. We know it is, we know when we are acting insane, and we know what the cause is. There is no woman that is truly oblivious to their pre- and post-menstrual attitudes. I am not here to debate its existence of PMS or plead the case that we all need to have understanding and presence because it is Shark Week and we have lost our fucking minds (even though it is hormonally induced). I am here to tell you about PMS and Halloween Candy (and yes there is a correlation here).
I am sure that all women have had their "cycles" sync up with, not Halloween, but the week after Halloween. Although it is true that the synchronization doesn't have to occur for a spouse or partner to be able to follow the wee tiny single serving candy wrappers to their woman who is crying on the couch while watching an ASPCA commercial during a Sandra Bullock Lifetime Movie marathon it is defiantly a factor. There is something that happens to a woman that is experiencing PMS. They become ravinous. You never really know what it is going to be from one month the the next. Sometimes spicy food or salty stuff or copious amounts of tequella, but if you can combine any of these things with chocolate you are on the right track. Now when it comes to Halloween candy there is something magical that happens. When you eat 12 of whatever it is it can easily be justified. "I ate 12, but they are bite size, so it is no big deal. It isn't like I ate a whole candy bar..." Right? Wrong. Shut up!* Not to mention during Half-Price Halloween Candy Week it is all delicious price-acceptable candy, and you should know from all of the boxes of internet buying that show up from now until Christmas* that we just can't help ourselves if we think that we are getting a good deal.
So here is my advice for those that are afraid of their bloated, cantankerous, absolutely insane loved one during this time of year. Bring her more tiny, delicious Halloween treats and pile of all those crap movies that you didn't want to see anyway, and leave her alone. I assure that you are good to guzzle beer, go hunting, hang in the garage, or play video games for as long as you want. Well, until the candy runs out...*Yes, this is what it sounds like in our heads when we make this rationalization.
**Don't even get me started on Christmas stuff showing up on stores in the middle of September! On second thought...stay tuned for another blog. That one will be coming.
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